Are You Supporting Others In Your Family & Business
WHAT ARE COMMUNICATION TRIANGLES ANYWAY?
Let’s start by understanding exactly what communication triangles are and in turn how these affect the outcomes of your rural succession planning process and how the people in your business and families interact with each other. Communication triangles are very easy to create however very difficult to dismantle.
There are three types of roles that make up the triangle and any person can swap between these roles.
1. Prosecutor: this role is filled by someone who criticises and blames others, they have the belief that “your worse than me” and “it’s all your fault”
2. Rescuer: I can solve this problem let me sort it out, they keep the victim dependant on them and have a belief that “you need my help” they then tend to feel guilty if they don’t help and sort out the problem.
3. Victim: has a belief that “It’s not my fault” and “the world is out to get me” with a poor me attitude. They thrive on the feelings of helplessness and depend on the rescuer to perpetuate and validate their negative feelings.
Here is a very basic example of how communication triangles takes place during everyday conversations, they may seem harmless however, they are a breakdown in communication and put family relationships at risk over time.
Father Prosecutor: I don’t understand why Joe can’t keep the shed clean and tools packed up like I do, he used my good saw the other day and left it out. I never would have done a thing like that!
Mother Rescuer: Really? That’s terrible isn’t it; I thought he would have learned to pick up after himself by now. Let me have a talk to him I am sure I can make him realize he needs to look after the tools. He might be having trouble at home you know how Mary can be at times.
Father Prosecutor: Well you may as well talk to him, we will only end up in a fight about it as usual and he won’t listen to me anyway.
Mother Rescuer: Dad and I were talking the other day Joe and he said you left his saw out in the shed, he wasn’t very happy about it; he wants you to look after his tools better. Is everything ok at home?
Son Victim: I was so busy yesterday I didn’t get time to put away the tools I was using, I had so many things to do and Mary was ringing me to come home and look after the kids so she could go for a walk so I had to rush home. Dad just doesn’t realize that I have a life outside of work. It’s hard sometimes.
Mother Rescuer: I know Joe, that’s alright I’ll have a talk to your father and explain the situation I am sure I can make him understand. It’s easier if I talk to him then there won’t be an argument.
Son Victim: Ok, thanks Mum anything to save an argument.
How exhausting! How much easier would it have been for the father to have spoken to his son directly? It may seem silly however this is exactly what goes on every day, you cannot realize the amount of energy that is wasted and stress that builds up by communicating at this level.
Ask yourself this, are you really talking to people or are you talking about them? Are the conversations you are having moving you towards your ultimate plan of effective communication and harmony in your relationships or driving a wedge between family members and colleagues? It is important to remember that words are very powerful and once said cannot be taken back.
Putting it simply if you are talking about someone behind their back to another member of the family about another person then you have just created a communication triangle.
This is very much where a lot of people communicate and function from. It is very typical that this level of communication takes place in the beginning not to be intentionally nasty but with the genuine belief to ease the tension between individuals in the hope that no one will get upset and have an argument, WRONG!
Eventually over time communicating on this level will do nothing but cause negative relationships to form and create a new set of problems that you will have to deal with. It creates a drama around situations that are not really a drama and it certainly has potential to tear families apart if you let them exist for too long.
In our family these triangles were very much a part of all our ever day lives in some way shape or form. Typically we use this form of communication because we are fearful of saying what we want to say directly to the person and let’s face it most people behave in this way because it allows them to manipulate the outcomes of these conversations, getting the message across to whoever it is they want to hear the message. Sound confusing? You bet and extremely hard work to keep ahead of the game and remember what you have said and to whom.
It is a vicious cycle and this goes on and on and the issues get bigger and bigger and more intense especially when the family begins to grow and more personalities get added to the mix.
It gets particularly intense when mothers in law and daughters in law get involved in the game of “drama triangles” this used to play havoc in our family for many years until we all realized it had to change or we were all going to implode!
So how do you stop these destructive communication triangles?
Firstly you must admit to each other that you are having these conversations behind each others backs, directly to each other face to face. Yes this may sound like emotional suicide and make you feel sick at the thought of actually having to do this, however it must be done!
We can tell you the sense of relief not only for yourself but for everyone in your entire family and business it will be worth the pain. We know because we have been there and done it and yes fur did fly and tears were shed however, this was the turning point in all our relationships and we began to start to live much more real, meaningful and enjoyable lives.
Secondly you have to live it and that means helping others in your business or family out by reminding them that if they have something they want to say or ask a person then it is there responsibility to go to that person directly and have the conversation with them one on one.
Agree as a family or business that you are all committed to discussing issues at regular meetings so that everyone can have their say out in the open and know that they will be supported in a safe environment, communicating openly with each other will go a long way to breaking this vicious communication cycle and encourage relationships to grow.
You might be saying to yourself well that’s fine but what if others don’t stop? What if they continue to come to me and try to talk about others to me, what do I do then? Or worse they continue to talk about me behind my back?
Well as we have lived through this we can tell you exactly how to handle that one! It takes two to tango! Choose not to go there, be strong and set the example that you want others to follow. Gently remind that person that you do not want to take on a role in the communication triangle game again, it takes will power however once they realize they cannot start this from of destructive communication up again it will disappear.